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I know many of you think that frum and porn in the same sentence are impossible, but hear me out. I have never watched porn — but based on the fact that dozens of people show up at frum satire seeking Chassidish nude pictures or bais yaakov girls gone wild videos, I figured I would indulge their imaginations by giving them a list of possible Frum Jewish Porn Titles — as far as I know none of these exist yet.

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And I also show my body online to many men. From chabad men to not Jewish men. I hurt myself on camera for these men. I clip myself with hangers. I stick things up my different holes. I watch bdsm videos. Being a frum chabad girl. Who wants to go on shlichus. This seems contradictory. It is contradictory. This breaks my heart. What made me eventually stop was the assumption that it is harmful or unhealthy for the people who make it.

This article is sobering. I wish I had a holy outlet for my sexuality. If you are, in your own words, hurting yourself something is wrong, and you should think long and hard about what you really need and how to get it.

That might not be a chassidish man. The risks of opening up and being rejected after marriage in your community are very, very high.

How can I achieve it? What are people telling me I want? And many Frum people do discuss their sexuality before marriage and many even engage in sex, especially older singles. Not only is it normal, its really hot. I wish there as a way in the frum community to know about each others sexuality before getting married. I relate, as one that did many self-harmful sexual behaviors and wanted to marry and be Chassidish and go on Shlichus. Know that you are not alone! There are many men and women of all walks of life — including frum and chassidishe folks of all communities — who no longer find a need to do those things they so-very-much wanted to stop but try-as-they-may, could not.

Shame brings shame which brings me to yet further numb the pain with further shameful behavior. And the cycle continues. Spouse or not, you can live a free life and be happy again. If anyone relates and would like additional resources, I allow the editorial staff at Neshamas to give out my email if they feel it appropriate. Sex addicts exist, sure, but sex is a basic natural human need. Expressing sexuality does NOT make one an addict who needs help, it makes one a normal healthy human.

It seems like you might be acting out the aggression against the female body implicit in society and orthodoxy? I grew up Orthodox and also both watch and did porn. I agree with the people above who suggested seeing a therapist. Not because anything you are doing is wrong but because you seem to be struggling and non-judgemental person who can listen may be helpful. You talk about hurting yourself. If you are self-harming I urge you to seek help.

But, if you just mean you are doing masochistic things because you enjoy them then there is nothing wrong with that. I urge to look into safety though because BDSM porn videos are not necessarily accurate to what is safe. If you are happy watching porn that is fine.

If you feel compelled to that may be a problem. Also check out inner bonding by Dr Margret Paul. This is kind of refreshing to read, along with some of the comments. I grew up Lubavitch. Not in any sort of damaging way. And it frustrates me a little bit, to think that if I marry a nice Jewish girl one day, she might not be into this. So that means my potential matches are already quite limited. My advice to you is to stop hiding — embrace your sexuality and explore it. Someone will end up loving you just for the person you are.

There are answers. But the only way you find them — is through your questions. If this is your journey — go on it. Do what you feel is right in your heart. In the frum world, we all but especially women grow up with a great deal of shame surrounding our sexuality and thats extremely harmful.

As a clinical psychologist, I would recommend therapy for the writer of this article but only because the inner conflict of both being a frum unmarried girl and being a healthy sexual person can cause a great deal of psychological anguish.

Firstly, thank you for your very short albeit very powerful article. I feel your pain and very much relate to the feelings that you describe of wanting the right thing while doing the wrong thing. Wanting to do the right thing is an extremely large step in the right direction. Wanting the right thing is huge huge huge. Everyone says this but its really true: that the power of the neshama is immense. I would like to share with you something that has very powerfully impacted me.

But getting down to the core layers, what that means to me is: someone who values happiness, works on happiness, works on growth and connecting to G-d, values having a deep and intimate relationship with G-d, values children, values women, has a strong grip on his desires or at least is working to improve in that area, because we all can improve in that area, and is responsible about seeking the nessecary resources to do this , approaches intimacy with a sense of sensitivity and refinement.

Now, what kind of woman does a man like this deserve to marry? And I think its only right to use this as my measuring stick for how much I need to be working on myself to merit such goodness in my life, in the form of a very refined, spiritually in-tune person. I also think that many times what our soul deeply craves is connection. We seek connection. Both intimate connection and nonintimate connection. Your incredible husband.

Because, shocker: not everything that our pleasure-seeking selves are into, do we have to embrace and call healthy and beautiful and I know people who have PhDs in psychology from Harvard that have said this and live by this, despite what society and many in the professional world tell us nowadays. Lchaim to finding your true soulmate and to finding and inner peace and joy within yourself, one that breaks through all the boundaries that we put on ourselves and that the world around us puts on us.

And to be brave and face their battles and the things they wish they could improve in head-on. My heart is in so much tremendeouse pain. It aches every day. For what I wish to express to the world, for what I try to want to be, I am unable to in this damn frum world.

Its so painful to live a double life. To have to be someone on account of where you are brought up. Its contradictory. All of it. And Gd should just help all of us souls. No words. I hope everything is better now. Warning: this piece is explicit in nature and may be triggering for certain individuals. Please enter with care. This advertisement will close in seconds Share This.

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